Remember Me
by Karakuri1925
Summary: I can't remember anything. I don't remember Mello. I can't remember why I'm dying... Why am I always bathed in violent shades of bloody red?  WARNING: Contains blood and moderate violence
1. Chapter 1

_"Mattie, why can't you just deal with the fact that I'm dating someone else?"_

_"I'm fine with it, Mells; you don't have to be so melodramatic. Honestly, your reaction is on the border between hypocritical and cynical. You were the exact same way when I was dating BB."_

_"This is different! BB got arrested, you two never really broke up, and then you asked me out and I __**knew**__ you were cheating on him!"_

_"Mells... You know that BB's- Beyond's-"_

_"He's what?"_

_"He-He's dead..."_

_"Mattie, I-"_

"_Don't, Mihael. Just don't." I murmured, my voice wavering and tears threatening behind my eyelashes._

_I turned on my heel, snatched my duffel bag off of the counter, grabbed my Nintendo DS, and slammed the door behind me. I felt the weight of my long-packed clothing in my duffel bag and sighed. Mello had been an awesome roommate- but that's all he wanted to be. I kept my duffel packed in case he decided that my hopeless romanticism was too much and kicked me out. I never thought I would be the one storming from the house. Rain was pelting my car and I could barely see. A blue Mustang convertible appeared in front of me and all of the sudden I was swerving to avoid hitting the teenager driving the 'stang. A telephone pole collided with the driver's side of my car. One of the bars from the pole was stuck in my stomach, and my head was bleeding. The teen pulled over, got out of the car, and ran up to the window, phone in hand. She dialed a number and began to frantically explain the situation to what I could only assume was a nine-one-one emergency operator. A few minutes later, an ambulance was pulling over to my car. I was dizzy, and the EMTs were trying to break through what was left of the windshield of my Luigi green jeep. A nearby tree branch fell and I felt the impact puncture my lung. The EMTs had leapt out of the way and rolled the branch away. My vision went black._

I woke up what felt like hours after the accident. I had wires coming out of my arms and there were bandages around my head and abdomen. There were dried and cracking flowers on the bedside table. I looked around, trying to clear my double vision, when a doctor wearing all white walked in.

"Ah, Mr. Jeevas, you're awake."

"How long have I been out?" I asked my voice hoarse and crackling from disuse.

"About three weeks. Your roommate, Mihael, has been very worried about you."

"I have a roommate?"

"Yes, your roommate. Mr. Jeevas, what is your first name?"

I was silent. I tried to remember, but my head ached and I closed my eyes to the pain.

"Don't remember, huh?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Your name is Mail Jeevas. According to your roommate, Mihael Keehl, you go by Matt. You are eighteen years old. You grew up in Whammy's Orphanage for Gifted Children. You lost a lot of weight, about eighty pounds, so when you go home you have to be incredibly careful not to roughhouse too much." The doctor said, his eyes never leaving his clipboard.

I could tell that if this was a test, I'd already be failing. But I didn't care. The pain in my stomach was becoming unbearable, and I bit my lip. Someone came crashing into my room. That someone had blond hair, blue eyes, sweatpants, and a leather jacket. His cobalt eyes were wide and I could see tears threatening them. Instinctively, and almost instantly, I wanted to hug this stranger and never let him go. He gingerly walked over and sat down in the abandoned chair next to my bedside. He took my hand in his and listened to everything the doctor told him. By the end of it, he was crying and I was so tired I barely knew what was going on. The blond buried his face in his hands.

"Excuse me, I really don't mean to be rude, but who are you?"

"I'm Mello, your roommate."

"But my roommate's name is-"

"My real name's Mihael. Call me Mello."

I drifted off to sleep again.

"_Ne, Matt! Let's play together today, okay?"_

"_Yeah, mommy! Let's play games!"_

_I hid in a cabinet and heard Mommy counting to ten. Her voice was soft. She threw open the cabinet doors, pulled me out, and tickled me until I couldn't breathe. I laughed and she smiled. A man burst into the house, gun in hand. He pointed his handgun at Mommy and his shotgun at Daddy. Mom shielded me with her body as he emptied rounds into her. I was covered in her blood. I crawled back into the cabinet, Mommy's locket clutched in my tiny hand, and closed the door. I heard more shots and heard Daddy scream. The scary man that killed my mommy dropped the guns on the floor and ran out the door. I heard the neighbors run into the house. I heard Daddy moaning on the floor somewhere._

"_Mail! Mail, where are you, dear? Mail! Mai- Oh my Lord!"_

"_Mommy, help! Mommy, wake up!" I cried, shaking Mommy's shoulder._

"_Mail, your mother's-"_

"_Mommy! Mommy, you have to wake up! I need you!" I screamed, my voice wet with tears._

"_Mail, dear, your mommy can't wake up. Mail, sweetie, your mommy's dead."_

"_No! No, mommy, no! Mommy, please…" I sobbed, "MOMMY WHY!" I screamed._

I woke up to dried tears on my face and Mello sleeping on the floor. There was a necklace on my lap. I recognized it, but I couldn't remember from where._It's Mommy's… Remember dammit! Mommy's dead, and Dad's dead now too… Everyone left me alone… But Dad being gone isn't too bad, I guess… _I flinched, covering my eyes. I buried my face in the pillow and went back to sleep.

"_Matt... I know you can't hear me, but- but you have to wake up soon… Please? I know I haven't been the best roommate, but I was jealous, and Near's just getting worse and worse. He's been coming in here to taunt me. L's using my sister as a human shield. You're in a coma. Just… wake up soon, okay?"_

_I heard footsteps and then the creak of a chair on the floor. Someone sat down and held my hand. I heard someone crying._

The scene shifted. I could tell this was a different memory. I could hear Mello's voice more clearly. At some point, I was aware of being carried into a car and driven somewhere.

"_Hey Matt. Near- Near left me, and I need a friend right now. My sister isn't very helpful, she's awkward with emotions as best. They say that people in comas are semi-aware of what's going on around them, so I thought- I thought I'd come to talk to you, even if you won't talk back." Mello's voice faltered, "They keep saying you won't wake up, but I know you will. I just get this feeling that you're not gone. At least you're finally catching up on sleep, right? You've been in a coma for two weeks and six days… Not that I'm counting or anything! You're mostly all healed up, so maybe that'll help you wake up."_

"_Mister Keehl, visiting hours are over. You've been here all day."_

"_Oh, they are? Yeah… I guess I have."_

The scene kept shifting in a blur. It finally rested on a younger version of Mello sitting on his bed, facing the doorway, arms crossed.

"_I don't want a roommate."_

"_M, you have to deal with it. He needs a room, and you have one to yourself."_

"_I don't care. New kid or not, he's not staying here."_

_I adjusted my goggles. This Mello person just huffed and fixed his hair._

"_Mihael Keehl, this boy has been assigned to your room by L. Do not argue with me."_

_Mello rolled his eyes but nodded his head. I sat on the bed at the opposite side of the room, my stuffed bear and video games clutched in my tiny hands._

Mello shook me awake. My throat hurt and I had tears in my eyes. I pulled my knees up to my chest and buried my face in them. Mello picked me up and carried me to what I could only assume was his room. When we got to the room, though, I was shocked to see that it was covered in video game posters and smelled like cigarettes. Mello put me on top of the bed and sat next to me, draping his arm around my shoulders. I leaned into him and listened to his heart beat steadily. It was…comforting after my nightmares. I guess you couldn't call them nightmares- they were memories. I heard Myde screaming into a cell phone and then crying loudly, before hearing her grab something out of the hall closet and slam the front door. Her car revved its engine as it roared to life. Mello cringed at the sound of the doors but other than that he didn't really react. He hit my forehead with the back of his hand.

"Have a nightmare, Matt?"

"Kinda… More like a couple blasts from the past."

Mello raised an eyebrow. I recounted exactly what I dreamed, not wanting to screw up my own memory. Mello just sat in silence. His phone buzzed to indicate a text._** No developments. **_Mello sent a quick reply and threw the phone onto the bed. He covered his face with his hands and sighed. I snuggled up next to him and put my head on his chest. I felt him laugh and we both drifted off to sleep.

"_What the hell are you waiting for?"_

_I looked around me. I stared around until I realized the voice was in my head._

"_I'm in your head. Looking around won't help you."_

"_Who are you?"_

"_I'm you."_

"_You can't be me. I'm me."_

"_Well, we're both you."_

"_Now there's something that doesn't make sense."_

"_I can always explain everything later. But right now, you need to talk to Mello. You need to establish __**something**__."_

When I woke up, I was on the couch and Mello had made coffee. I eased myself off of the couch and opened the front door. Mello was standing there, leaning against the wall, his face red with anger and his eyes almost the size of a fifty-cent coin. I snatched his phone, holding up a hand so that Mells wouldn't fly at me for it.

"Mello's busy right now, you're going to have to call back later."

"Mr. Jeevas! I'm so-" I snapped the phone shut.

Mello was fuming.

"_Matthew, what the hell do you think you're doing?"_

I winced, unwanted memories flying to the surface of my father saying those same words. Mello's eyes immediately filled with regret and I closed mine. I handed Mello his phone and slammed the door behind me. I tore through the house and into my room. Slamming my door shut and locking it, I sank onto my bed and cradled me head. Unwanted memories pushed their way to the surface and my head ached. Mello was knocking softly on the door. I put my hands over my ears and cried quietly. Mello seemed to hear me and started trying to talk to me through the door. I ignored him, quickly becoming lost in the sea of memories.

_I hit the wall, bruises forming on my arms and welts in my sides between my ribs. I felt my arm crack. I had no body fat to protect me from harm, I barely ate because if I ate too much my dad would beat me more. Blood trickled out of my mouth and I stuffed my shirt onto my face too keep it from falling onto the carpet. My dad was drunk, screaming about something or other. I could barely hear him, my ears were ringing from the impact of my head hitting the wall._

"_**Useless, just like your mother-**__"_

_I coughed and blood flew onto the exposed part of my stomach. I held my head in my hands. Dad picked up a metal bar he kept to ward off robbers and hit my broken arm with it. I howled in pain and cradled my arm-_

"Matt, Matt, are you all right?"

Mello's concerned voice had broken me out of my memory. I heard him pick the lock and froze. My eyes were wide open- I had thought Mello was my dad coming to beat me for something. I put a hand up to my lip. My fingers came away dotted with blood. Mello took me into his arms and handed me a tissue.

"Mattie, what happened? This isn't my fault, is it? Mattie, I shouldn't have yelled at you like that-"

"My dad. I remembered my dad."

Mello froze. He recovered quickly and pulled me closer, not caring that I was covered in cold sweat, tears, and blood from my lip. More memories came up to the surface of the haze that usually kept them back. My grip on Mello's shirt tightened without me realizing I had grabbed onto his shirt in the first place. Mello's hands found mine and gently detached them.

"Go to sleep. Lord knows you need it. Don't worry. I'll be right here when you wake up this time. I promise."

"_I promise I'll always stay here. You don't have to worry, Matt. I'll be here from six in the morning to six in the evening, every single day until you wake up. I promise you that."_

I smiled and wrapped my arms around Mello's waist. He carefully eased himself backwards so that he didn't completely crush my 's fingers traced the outline of my ribs, which tickled. I laughed and curled in on myself.

"You know, for someone trying to get me to sleep, you're not helping."

Mello chuckled and pulled a stray blanket over the two of us. Immediately the air around me started to smell like the same smoky aroma that seemed to be embedded into every fiber of my being. I fell asleep again.

"_You're a useless brat! I would think that your mother and I raised you better! And after all I did to make sure you would get into a respectable elementary school in a good neighborhood," Dad brought his fist down hard on my stomach, "I would think you would have the smarts to get good grades!" He threw me across the room and into the kitchen, where my back hit the oven with a sickeningly loud thud._

_By the time my father was done beating me, I had a swollen lip, two bruised ribs, at least one rib broken, and my leg hurt so much when I walked I limped to school the next day. I walked into the nurse's office and collapsed onto the floor. My ribs hurt so much I could barely breathe, and when I tried to get back up again my leg gave out under me. The nurse called an ambulance. My dad sat with me. For the first time since my mom died, he was sober enough to remember that I was his son and that he was the reason I was in that state. His face was covered in tears. I wasn't reassured, though, since I knew that once the drunk version of this loving father saw that hospital bill, I would be getting the full force of his anger._

_That beating never came. The school, knowing our financial situation, offered to pay for the hospital bill. My father gratefully allowed them to pay for it._


	2. Chapter 2

I gasped, my ribs aching and my mind racing with fevered thoughts. The night air was cool, but I was covered with sweat and Mello was stirring. When I broke free of his locked fingers and rolled across the bed, my hands clutching my ribs, Mello woke up completely and turned the light on. My lungs felt like they were collapsing and I couldn't breathe. Mello forced my head back, albeit gently, and my lungs filled a bit with the bitter cold air. The wind had blown the windows open. Mello was frantically searching for his phone. He found it and dialed what I can only assume was nine-one-one. My vision was dotted with red and I was gasping for air. I heard the sirens of an ambulance, then I felt myself being lifted up onto a stretcher. An oxygen mask was put over my face and I felt my lungs being forced to expand. I heard arguing. Mello was trying to convince the EMTs to let him ride in the ambulance with me, and the EMTs were protesting vociferously. Finally Mello gave in and drove himself to the hospital. I was rushed to the ER and hooked up to a breathing machine.

Mello's eyes were filled with tears when I saw him. He was holding my hand and crying. Mells wiped his eyes and sniffed.

"Damn. All this crying doesn't suit you, Mells." I said, my voice hoarse and quiet.

He smiled and carefully hugged me. He avoided looking into my eyes, though. I could tell that something was up. My chest immediately clenched with fear.

"Mello… Why are you crying?" My voice couldn't shake its strange hoarse quality.

Mello shook his head and broke out into fresh sobs. I felt something coming from my neck and put a hand up. There was a strange tube attached to my throat. I felt it breathing for me. _Oh what fresh hell is this? __The kind that you knew was coming.__ Shut up. Now I'm wondering if I'm crazy. __Don't worry, I'm just the hidden part of your mind that keeps sending you the memories your heart is craving. __Yeah. I'm craving memories of me getting beaten by my dad. __Those memories will eventually keep you alive._I wanted to keep having a thought-conversation with this "hidden part" of my mind, but Mello had gotten up. I frantically snatched at his hands, which he had pulled away from mine. Mello wouldn't meet my eyes. He started to leave. I stared ahead of me, numb. I looked at the clock- it was only twelve-thirty in the afternoon. Mello was allowed to stay. _So why is he leaving? __He thinks it's his fault or some shit. Don't let him leave!_ I looked at him.

"Don't go." I whispered, my voice barely audible.

Mello didn't seem to have heard me. He kept walking.

"Mello." I strained to make my voice louder.

Mello froze midstep. His entire body seemed to turn to stone. I stared after him, waiting for him to speak. He wheeled around, his eyes full of guilt and fear.

"Matt."

I flinched at his voice- it was empty and hollow. I pointed to the chair and he sat down.

"Matt, this is all my-" Mello blurted, his voice rushed.

"No. Don't start that. It's not your fault." I rasped.

"Yes, it is. If I hadn't-"

"Mello. Stop. Nothing is your fault. I promise you that. The damage to my lungs isn't your fault. It's probably from smoking and me generally being reckless. This is in no way your fault."

I coughed and a little bit of blood slid down my chin. I wiped it away and stared at Mello. He looked like a kicked puppy. I reached up to wrap my arms around him and a coughing fit forced me to cover my mouth with my elbows and double over. Blood came flying out of my mouth from God only knows where and Mello hit my back a couple times. After a few minutes, my coughing subsided. I fell back against the pillows, my face covered in cold sweat and blood.

Mells grabbed a lot of paper towels and wiped my face off.

"Thanks."

"You should talk less. You're just going to tire yourself out." Mello chided.

"I'd rather talk to you than sit in silence."

"Did you get any of your memories back? Maybe one of them is the key to figuring out what's going on with your lungs."

_That's it. Something is in my memories that I have to find before I run out of time. Right, random voice that sometimes gives me advice?_ I coughed and shook my head. I suddenly became incredibly tired. I closed my eyes for a moment and when I opened them I was surrounded by darkness. A figure with almost no facial features came waltzing out of the darkness. The figure looked like there hadn't quite been time to _finish _it. My voice couldn't form words.

* * *

><p><em>What's wrong?<em>

_I can't remember._

_Not everyone remembers everything._

_I have to remember. I… I have to remember._

_You do. You have to finish me._

_Finish you?_

_I'm the face you need to remember. Think. Even if it hurts. You can beat the pain._

_I was about six. There were small tubes and wires hooked up to my chest and throat. I heard the soft beeping noise of a heart monitor to my right. I heard my dad talking. He was sober for the first time in months._

"_So Mail is-"_

"_He will likely not recover from this. The holes in his lungs cannot heal. His body is not strong enough to repair itself. There is a medicine that can strengthen his respiratory system-"_

"_I sense a 'but'."_

"_But it's very expensive."_

"_How much is it?"_

"_Fifty dollars per bottle."_

"_I'll pay it. He's my son, I can't let him die."_

_I tried to suck in a breath and choked, blood flying from my mouth-_

* * *

><p>"Matt!"<p>

I coughed, which only sent more blood flying out of my mouth. Spasms racked through my lungs and I felt my lungs contract. I coughed until blood burbled in the bottoms of my lungs and ran down the sides of my face. Mello yelled out the open door. Someone yelled back and I felt him sink into his chair, holding my hands in his and putting his head on my chest. He was saying my name still. Doctors were trying to pull him off of me. He was fighting tooth and nail. I heard Mello screaming my name and stared at him as best as I could. My lungs felt like they were being drowned in a sea of red and pain. Blood kept flying out of my mouth, and my vision was dotted with red spots. I felt Mello disappear and tried to call to him.

"M-" the rest of Mello's name was lost when I lost consciousness.

* * *

><p><em><span>So. You're back.<span>_

_It's not like I want to be here. If I could be with Mello I would be._

_You can't. Not right now._

_I don't care! I have to get back to him!_

_Listen to me! You can't go back!_

_No! I have to! He's- He's __**everything**__!_

My eyes were dotted with red, but there was no blood. The first thing I did was scream in agony. I felt the cold metal of an operating table and heard frantic doctors putting me back under. I fought it. Eventually I was pulled back into my own mind.

* * *

><p><em>-and all over my father. He was holding my shoulders down, his head on my chest and tears in his eyes. He didn't smell like alcohol. I weakly wrapped my arms around him. Something was injected into my arms and I stopped choking. Blood continued to dribble down my face, but it wasn't being produced. It was excess that had been in my airways when the substance had been injected. My father pulled me into his arms and sat on my bed. His shirt stuck to him and was stained red with blood. My blood. His normally auburn hair was matted with more of my blood. I smiled, but my mouth was covered in blood as well.<em>

"_Mail… You're okay."_

"_I'll always be okay." I rasped._

_My dad held me close to him and cried._


	3. Chapter 3

"Matt…"

I felt Mello's hands before I opened my eyes. I was terrified to open them. When I did, I was back in my hospital room. There were bandages on my chest and a mask covering my nose and mouth. There was a tube coming from the mask going down into my lungs and back up. Mello's eyes were red from crying. I shakily took in a breath, terrified that I would start coughing again. Mello had a needle mark on his arm. I gazed at him reproachfully.

"It's from when I was fighting them. I bit a lot of doctors and they decided to sedate me." Mello blushed.

I smiled. Mello's grip on my hand tightened until his knuckles turned white. I kept breathing and he wrapped his arms around me. I felt him lift my head up and put it in his lap.

"Matt… You're okay."

'_I'll always be okay.'_ I signed to Mello.

Memories came rushing back to me in a flood that no dam could stop. I remembered my childhood. I remembered coming to Whammy's Orphanage for Gifted Children. The memories stopped as soon as they had started. A few of drops of blood fell through the tube into a big machine. Mello's grip on my hand loosened once he had put me back onto my bed. He kissed my forehead gently and went back to sitting in his chair.

'_I woke up. It was… Pure hell.'_

"I should think so. Your screaming unnerved the best surgeon we have." A doctor who had slipped into the room said. "Mr. Keehl, may I speak to you in the hall for a moment please?"

My grip on Mello's hand tightened. He gave my hand a reassuring squeeze then got up and walked with the doctor. When he returned, his eyes were filled with tears and he was shaking. The second he sat in his chair, I pulled Mello into the tightest embrace I had ever given anyone. _Mello… Why are you crying? I've been dying all my life. __No… This is… No. __**No!**__ No! This can't be happening! No!__ What-_ My heart skipped a beat as the realization hit me. _No… Please God. Please. Give me more time! I need more time!_

God was unforgiving. I felt my heart slow and my chest hurt with every breath. The tube was carefully removed from my throat and I opened my mouth.

"Mello… I love you."

Mello froze. His eyes were full of tears and he was ushered out of the room. I felt my heart stop. I felt liquid fire shoot throughout my entire being. I felt my heart flutter and then the liquid fire again. My heart beat a little bit stronger but my lungs wouldn't pull in air. I felt someone push air into my lungs. I couldn't breathe on my own. I felt tubes being put down my throat and something was stuck to my chest. My lungs inflated and I opened my eyes. Mello was staring into the room through the window, his eyes wide and full of tears. Doctors shone lights in my eyes and took my pulse before leaving. Mello was allowed back into the room and he seemed to fly to the side of my bed. He sat down on the edge, not caring about the knocked-over chair he had abandoned. He kissed my forehead again and held my hands. I realized that I had no shirt on and shivered. He pulled the blankets up to my chest and a single tear fell down his cheek. I reached up and wiped his face with my thumb. Mello tightened his grip on my hands.

"I still don't remember everything." I choked out.

"You'll remember. Just give yourself some time, Matt. Everything will work out."

I coughed a little and tried to sit up. The pain in my chest flared and I collapsed back against the pillows. My lungs ached and my eyelids fluttered shut. Mello held my hand in his until I fell asleep. I did not dream. When I opened my eyes, Mello was gone. I was by myself. There were more tubes in my chest and I could feel more bandages over my chest. There was a doctor leaning over my face, shining another light into my eyes. He stood up and motioned Mello over. I couldn't hear what the doctor said, my ears felt like they were so clogged up I was deaf. All of a sudden my hearing switched back on and I heard everything.

"-Is incredibly sick. The holes in his lungs will kill him unless we perform this surgery."

"I can't pay for it." Mello said, his voice full of tears and sadness.

"It's not a problem. We received an email from someone called L who is willing to pay for the operation."

Mello's face lit up like the fourth of July. _It won't work. Trust me, they've tried before.__ Before does not mean now. _For once, there was no retort from the voice. I shut my eyes and feigned slumber. I coughed once and blood came out of my mouth. It slid down the sides of my chin. My eyes rolled into the back of my head, but I didn't lose consciousness. I felt myself being wheeled around on a gurney. I felt the scalpel when it cut my chest open. I screamed and heard people around me yelling. Needles were stuck into my arms and I felt myself going under. I was half under when I stopped breathing. My lungs felt like someone had taken a pair of scissors and cut giant holes into them. My mouth opened in silent screams of agony. I felt leather straps go around me, holding me to the table. I felt blood dribbling down my sides. My eyes opened and my head lolled to the side, blood pouring out of my mouth. They upped the dosage on whatever they were giving me and I was pulled into the serene depths of unconsciousness again.

_Where the hell am I?_

_You're technically in critical condition in the intensive care unit at the Los Angeles hospital. However, your mind has retreated in on itself. You want answers._

_You're damn right I do. What the hell is wrong with my lungs?_

_Your lungs collapsed. There wasn't enough air to keep them inflated. As we speak, there's a machine breathing for you. They fixed the holes in your lungs temporarily, but they're terrified that the wounds will reopen._

_So what the hell do I do?_

_You wake up. You fight for your life. You live. You keep going on as you have. Just… Do me a favor and smoke less?_

_Who are you?_

_I am the you before you lost your memories._

_I want to find them._

_You cannot._

_Why?_

_Finding your memories might kill you._

_I don't care. If I risk never knowing-_

_You never change._

My memories flooded into my mind. I remembered countless weeks in the hospital, tubes flushing blood out of my lungs. I remembered Mello, how once when we both got incredibly drunk he told me that he loved me. I dredged up the memory of his face when I told him I couldn't be in relationships anymore. I didn't want to cause him the pain of seeing me die. I remembered running away from the building in the warehouse district. I recalled collapsing on the side of the road, my mind fevered and hallucinations making me scream in French. I relived my accident. I felt the all-too-real pain of the telephone pole. I remembered where my father put my medicine. And, worst of all, I relived every single attack on my lungs. In reality, I could feel blood trickling out of my mouth in a steady stream. _Am I back to normal? __Depends. What do you think 'normal' is?__ Shouldn't I be you? __You're still missing one memory. __Give it to me. __I cannot. Mello has to tell you about it._

I opened my eyes. Mello was dozing in a chair, his clothing rumpled. I put a hand up to take his hand in mine and met a glass covering. There was a breathing mask over my face and wires sticking out of my arms. I heard the unsteady beeping of the heart monitor and Mello's soft snoring. I knocked a couple times on the glass and Mello woke up.

"Matt?"

I waved. Mello looked relieved.

"I was so worried! They- They told me you were awake for most of the operation, that you weren't going under, that there was nothing they could've done-"

I nodded, unable to speak. Doctors in white coats carrying clipboards rushed in and opened the glass prison. They took my pulse, checked my stitches, and removed the breathing mask for seconds at a time to see if my lungs were recuperating. They were, but I had trouble breathing on my own. The doctors left the mask on my face, and shut the glass again. I coughed and blood flew into the mask. I felt blood slide out of the sides and down my face. The glass was flung open and the mask ripped from my face. I felt blood pooling in my lungs and retched. Blood came flying out of my lungs and hit the floor with a sickening sound. Doctors were holding me down. I felt hands on my shoulders and on my knees. I couldn't see modern day America, I saw the house my father and I had lived in when we lived in France.

_"Father? Father, where have you gone? Father!" I yelled in the language I was forced to speak._

_I saw men emptying rounds of bullets into my father. I screamed and ran to his side, sobbing and murmuring in soft French. My father was dead. I coughed and my blood joined his on the floor. It was spilling in between my fingers. The men nodded and shot something into my arm. I fell unconscious. When I awoke, I felt the cold of a metal table and the chill of night air going across my chest._

"_Ah, Matthew. Ca va?"_

"_Casse-toi!"_

"_Calm down. I know you speak English."_

"_Who are you? Why did you kill my father? Where am I?"_

_I felt a numbing sensation spread throughout my chest and barely felt the pinprick of a scalpel._

"_You're in an underground hospital. I'm studying the human lungs. Your lungs have holes in them. I am here to repair those holes."_

"_What the hell are you doing? Get away from me!"_

_He cut farther into my chest, and I felt unbearable agony. I screamed. He warily unloaded a needle into my chest and I slipped into unconsciousness, only just feeling the trickle of my blood running down my chest- _

In reality, my eyes rolled back into my head, blood and spit flowing out of my mouth. Mello was holding my hands in his, even though they were covered in my blood, and he was crying. The front of his shirt was sullied a dark red. I awoke to a breathing machine over my face and dried blood caked on my chin.

"I thought- Matt, I thought you were really gone that time, and-"

"I'm fine."

"You sure as hell aren't! Your lungs are half sutures and the hell if you didn't just almost croak!"

I laughed, though it pained me to do so. The wrinkle in Mello's forehead deepened and he just looked more worried. I coughed, Mello tensed, and I rolled my eyes. I fell asleep and dreamed hellish nightmares.

"_Matthew, you need to stop fighting the sedative. All you will do is kill yourself."_

_I could scarcely breathe. My lungs felt as if a fire had kindled itself there and would not cease to burn. My lungs creaked and the crazy 'doctor' frowned. He stuck the needle in my chest and the flames in my lungs were doused. I watched him cut into my chest again and sew the newly formed holes in my lungs. Blood coated my sides and rushed down to pool around me. He poked around inside my lungs for a few minutes instead of hours this time before sewing my chest back up and forcing something down my throat. A few minutes later, my lungs were on fire, even though I had been sedated. I screamed and yelled in agony, fighting the restraints that held me to the table. Blood flew from my mouth and my eyes snapped shut. I opened my eyes and inhaled. When I sucked in air, my lungs didn't burn anymore and I could breathe without my lungs creaking._

"_Watari, take this boy to Whammy's. He's been through far too much. Also, arrange for this man's arrest. This child could have been killed by this cruel experimentation."_

_Someone released me and I instantly flew at the man who had caused me so much pain and suffering over the course of two and a half years. I was coughing up blood all over him, but I didn't care. I kept punching him and Watari pulled me off of the poor bastard. I fell to my knees and retched, blood flying out of my mouth. I was vaguely aware of someone kneeling beside me. My eyes rolled into the back of my head and I nearly fell into a puddle of my own blood._

I opened my eyes, covered in blood and cold sweat. Mello was asleep, his hands wrapped in mine and purple bruising forming where I had squeezed his hands in my sleep. L himself was conversing with a specialist outside and nodding. He looked into the room, saw me awake, and walked casually inside.

"How are you feeling?"

I coughed. Speckles of blood flecked the mask.

"I feel like I'm dying." I rasped, my lungs burning with the effort of speaking.

L nodded, careful to not wake Mello up. I saw strands of hair fall from my head and land on the blankets in front of me. I laughed, grimaced in pain, and received a stare from L.

"What's so funny?"

"I always thought that Watari would die before I did…" I replied, my lungs almost unable to take in air. I felt them inflate and deflate, but none of the air seemed to help me.

I felt weak. Up until then, I had been holding myself up. I felt flames rip through my lungs. I fell back, howling in excruciating pain. L ripped the mask off of my face and Mello awoke, only to grab my shoulders and hold me down. L sent Watari for doctors. When they returned, my eyes were blank, unseeing, and my blood congealed on my chest and around my mouth. I was still screeching, but I was screeching French words.

"_Maman! Maman, ou est tu? Maman!"_

"Matthew, your mother-"

"M, it is of no use. Matthew cannot hear what you are saying."

I could hear them. I could hear their voices as clear as day. But their voices came out of thin air. I saw nothing but the cabinet I had hid in before my mom died.

"_Non! Mon dieu, s'il vous plait, quoi que ce soit, mais ce! Mon dieu-"_

I watched my mother die again. I felt myself grow weaker and my hallucinations more vivid. All of my memories were coming back in a bloody torrent.

"_Non! Mon dieu, non! Monsieur, s'eloigner de moi! Monsieur!"_

"Matt!"

"_Non! S'eloigner de moi! __**S'eloigner de moi**__!"_

I felt someone shaking me. Blood had fallen down the corners of my mouth. Through bleary eyes I saw Mello. L was sitting in a chair behind him. Mello had chosen to sit at my bedside. My clothing and sheets had been changed. There was a green fluid in an IV drip. My lungs felt like a fire had kindled and would never cease its burning. It was a familiar, almost welcome sensation. The IV was disconnected and I was injected with it directly. I felt restraints holding me to the bed and knew that they were there for my safety, not to keep me there against my will. Almost immediately, the fire turned into a blazing inferno. Tears fell down my face and I bit my lip. Mello squeezed my hand reassuringly and I let loose a cry of pain. A few minutes later, the pain faded.

"Matt-"

"_Je suis d'accord."_

"Matt, they told me-"

"I know, Mello. I know."

Mello held my hands in his and sobbed. They weren't happy tears- Mello could tell my time on this Earth was dwindling. Even L's eyes seemed to be sad. Near was asleep on the floor near the windows. It seemed like all of my friends were with me. My breath caught and I coughed a river of blood. Mello stopped crying to wipe his eyes and clean up my face. I kissed his hand, leaving a bloody lip mark on his knuckles. Mello pulled me into his arms. I couldn't keep my head up anymore and it lolled to the side. Mello held me like one would hold an infant. I almost glared at him, but honestly I didn't care. Mello and I had known that we were never going to be together until it was far too late to do anything.

"Matt… Don't die. Please." Mello whispered, pulling my head into his chest.

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"My time has come, Mells. It may be too soon, or for some not soon enough, but here it is. This is the way your God wants me to go."

"No, Matt, please. Not now. Not like this. Please, God, give us more time…"

I opened my eyes and drew in a shaky breath with my patchwork lungs. Mello was praying to himself. I leaned against him. I could feel my limbs resist movement and my strength leaving me. I held onto everything around me, the way Mello smelled like chocolate, the way my hair clung to its smoky smell, and the softness of Mello's undershirt. The leather jacket he was wearing was cold and tattered. I had blood congealed onto my face and in my hair- the reflection of me in Mello's eyes was pale, my face was thinner than it had been in years, and my eyes looked dead.

"_S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse, a persona che mai tornasse al mondo…"_ I muttered, the rest of my words lost when Mello kissed me.

I didn't think that would ever happen.

_**Annndd there's the end of chapter 3. Some small translations I need to put I here:**_

_**S'io credesse che mia risposta fosse, a persona che mai tornasse al mondo = If my response was that person never came back into this world. (Dante's Inferno)**_

_**Maman! Maman, ou est tu? = Mom! Mom, where are you?**_

_**Non! Mon dieu, s'il vous plait, quoi que ce soit, mais ce! Mon dieu-**__**= No! My god, please, not like this! No!**_

_**Je suis d'accord. = I am okay.**_

_**S'eloigner de moi! = Leave me alone! **_


	4. Chapter 4

Everything went black. I could faintly hear voices, but they were the whispers of my past. Mello's pleading voice was interjected between painful hallucinations. I felt hands on my shoulders, waist, ankles, and Mello's hands on mine. Images of an underground hospital flickered across my eyelids and I realized I was screaming. My heart felt like it was going to burst, but my lungs felt like they were going to fall flat.

"_Sauve-moi, _

"Matt, please, come back to me, I promise-"

"_Maman, sauve-moi!_"

My lungs were on fire. Blood was flowing like a river out of my mouth and my body convulsed under the hands that held me to the bed. I opened my eyes, only to squeeze them shut in pain. Tears slid down my face and were instantly dyed red from the blood that came out of my mouth. My throat was raw and I could barely whimper. Mello squeezed my hand reassuringly and prayed for me under his breath. My body shook and I tried to curl in on myself, only to be detained by the somewhat irksome doctors. I coughed and more blood dribbled out of the corners of my mouth. Mello was crying and my vision tunneled.

When I woke up, there were tubes attached to my lungs and wires sticking out of my chest. Mello was on the other side of the crystal dome again. My chest hurt with every breath I took and Mello seemed to be mouthing words to me. Tears slipped down my face and I heard the heart monitor slowing and missing thumps. I felt my own heart skip and flutter. Mello was crying again, but I couldn't hear him. I wanted to reassure him that I wasn't in any pain, that death was always looming over my shoulders. But, more than anything else in the world, I wanted to tell Mello I loved him. L himself had sat by my bedside, as had Near, and as had Mello. I could have died then and there and been dreamily comforted. But of course, doctors were doing anything and everything to keep me alive. Mello put his hand on the glass. I reached up and put my hand to his.

"Mello, I love you."

Whatever Mello's response was had been lost between him and the crystal prison. I smiled, not noticing the thin, steady trickle of blood falling down my lips. Almost instantly, my lungs lit on fire. It was so painful I could barely move. My eyes were open wide and Mello was crying. Doctors grabbed him by the arms and frog marched him out of the room. They did the same to Near and L. I watched them lock the door from the outside.

I would die alone. And no one would ever know my last words.


	5. Chapter 5

I was already half-gone when the hallucinations started. Mello had fought to get back inside, and nobody dared pull him out. He had ripped the glass lid off of my cell and taken me into his arms, not caring that blood was falling from my nose and my mouth, not caring when it stained his shirt and fell to the floor. Mello held me like I was something precious. I could see him for seconds at a time, then the hallucinations would start up again ad my mind would go back to France, back to the time when I was a test subject.

"_Sauvez-moi! Sauvez-moi, mes parents! __**Sauvez-moi!**__"_

"Matt… If you can hear me, and I don't know if you can, but if you can hear me, please come back. Please. I can't bear losing you, not to this. Not when I know that they can save you. Please… Oh God, please stop! If this is karma for what I've done, if this is a sign I need to make my life mean something, then I get it! Don't punish Matt because of me. Dear Lord in Heaven…" Mello's voice was lost.

When I was lucid, Mello was crying. When I was hallucinating, I couldn't tell where or when I was. I smelled burning flesh and screamed in agony. When I came back to reality, nothing was wrong. All of my pain was a ghost of my past.

"_Mello…. Sauve-moi. Sauve-moi…"_ My voice trickled off as another bout of phantasms swept me underneath a tidal wave.

I awoke to Mello's pale face and red eyes. I awoke to tearful eyes staring at me. I awoke to congealed blood keeping me frozen and bandages on my chest. I awoke to being back inside the crystal dome. I smacked the glass, cracking it. I screamed as loud as I could, hoping against all odds that someone would hear me. Mello shook his head and put a hand on the crack. I shrank back, cradling my hand as if he'd struck it. I coughed, and for once no blood came up. Clear fluid was going straight from an IV drip into my bloodstream and I felt stronger. Mello was saying something to someone nearby. A few seconds later, someone with auburn hair and tearful eyes was standing next to Mello. Almost instantly everything was lost as a slight delusion crept over me.

_Guess it's time for me to go, then._

_No! This is your body, and I intend to give it back! I don't know anything about Mello, but you know him like the back of your hand. You deserve to be in this body._

_If I go into my body again, you die._

_If I stay in this body, you die. Get the hell into your own body before I make you get here._

Immediately, I screamed in pain and pulled myself into the fetal position. The IV was at its limit. My body was trembling and I was shrieking. My body couldn't handle the extra pain and it seized and I felt my vision go black. When I awoke, the glass that had so long imprisoned me was gone and Mello was holding my hand tightly in his. I smiled, but I couldn't move. I tried to wiggle my toes and found I couldn't. My legs felt like they weren't there. My head was swimming and the lights were so bright I closed my eyes. Mello was talking. _Focus, Matt. Focus on what Mello's saying._

"-Temporarily paralyzed, they say you'll get the use of your legs back, but your seizure scared them like crazy, Mattie. You were screaming for hours."

I chuckled, relieved that I would be able to go back to normal. Mello stared at me, his eyes still tear-filled.

"What's wrong, Mells? What's happened?"

"You're still dying, Matt. They said… They said you had two days left… That this medicine wouldn't cure your lungs…"

"Mello. Stop. I know you're upset, but I've lived my entire life knowing I was going to die. That's why that one night in the bar when we both got really drunk I told you I couldn't be in a relationship with you. You thought it was something you did… But I just wanted to see you smile with someone who will live as long as you will, not cry and worry over me. I won't even live to the age of thirty, Mello, and you'll live until you're in your nineties. I've been so caught up in my own death I never thought to run and run fast. If I'd left none of this would've happened."

"No. You'd be fading by yourself."

"Everyone dies by themselves, Mells. No one can follow me to where I'm going. But I'm not afraid of dying. If I die, then let me die. If I live, then I live. This is the way the Fates intended me to die, and so I'll die the way they want me to. Life isn't about not dying, Mello. It's about living while you can and trying your damnedest to make the most of it."

Mello wiped his eyes and stood. He excused himself to the bathroom and Linda walked in, holding a bouquet of flowers. She sat in Mello's seat.

"Hey, Linda."

"Don't you 'hey, Linda' me! You're dying and you didn't even _think_ to tell me? What the hell is that? And this is going to kill Mello… He's always been fond of you, Matt, and you've known it!"

"I know. But I'm not going to live for much longer, and he's got years ahead of him. To hell if you haven't known that I loved Mello, and you know why I can't be with him! Think of what he would do to himself if I were that intimate with him and I died without ever telling him I was dying? I've been dying my entire life, Linda."

"It's not fair to you that your life should be cut short by something so horrible but other people who shouldn't walk the streets are perfectly healthy!"

I pulled Linda into my arms and held her while she sobbed. Near walked in and sat next to her, patting her back and handing her a tissue when she was finished crying.

"Mello went home. He told me to tell you."

"Thanks."

"We're going to miss you after you're gone, you know. Mello's going to take it the worst."

"Near, don't act like I don't know that. But I've hurt everyone enough in twenty years. It's my time to go and if Mello can't accept my bereavement, Near, then I want you to watch him. Make sure he doesn't do anything rash."

"You have my word."

And with that, Near and Linda got up and left. I was left to myself, and I spent hours staring out windows. Mello came and went, as did my lucidity. I fell asleep and woke up. Mello was sitting with me. Tears fell out of my eyes as I realized that it was my last day to live. Mello held me while I wept.

"Matt, don't tell me to shut up, or to stop talking, because this is important. I love you. I love you more than anything in this world or the next. I would give up everything for you. Why would you keep me in the dark about your lungs for so long? And don't give me that 'I didn't want to worry you' bullshit."

"I didn't want you to know."

"Why not?"

"Because… I didn't want you thinking that I was weak."

Mello pulled me into his arms again and kissed my forehead. My body ached and my lungs rasped with every lungful of air I drew in. I closed my eyes and opened them slowly. I felt Mello's arms around me, felt his body shaking with silent anguish. I feebly wrapped my arms around him. I listened to his steady heartbeat, and felt my sporadic one. There were dead and dying flowers on the bedside table, unopened chocolate bars sitting next to them, and Mello still managed to smell like smoke and, well, me. I closed my eyes and kept them closed. I concentrated on what being alive felt like, what it smelled like, and hell, even what it sounded like. I could hear the distant beeping of a heart monitor. I could feel the needle of the IV in my skin. I let the fact that I was going to die that day wash over me and just clung to that moment. Mello's hand was rested over my heart. I knew that he was crying. I could feel his chest move with his sobs.

"Hey, Mello?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"I love you too Matt."

"_Au revoir, mi amour._"

"No, Matt-"

I could hear no more of his sentence. My heart fluttered and thrashed in my chest, frantically trying to keep me alive. I could feel it giving out. A single tear fell down my cheek and my lungs emptied. I felt them burst open and blood flew from my mouth. My heart stopped completely and I could feel no more.

I died screaming in agony.


	6. Just an AN Please read

_Hi, so I said that the story was done, but I was wondering if you wanted a story that's this plot but from Mello's point of view? (This is also so I can reply to some comments that helped me write this story (I even cried when I wrote it… And so did my beta editor). Thank you guys so much!) I've wanted to write one, but I'm not sure if I should, simply because it would take me forever because I could barely write the final chapter in my notebook for this one, so writing about Mello might make me just break down and flip tables._

_Okay! So, the reviewer that I have wanted to thank for so long is carottal. You helped me with my French (legitimately, I asked my French teacher and I think I just copied a lot of what she said wrong… X3), and you gave awesome feedback. Thank you so much! I'm still working on the corrections because I fail at that kind of thing… That and I just generally suck at editing. So thank you for letting me know and helping me fix all of my silly mistakes._

_This second person isn't really a reviewer, she's my beta, Sydney. She has an account on here, but I can't remember what it is. Actually, I'll be right back, I'm going to go find that out. …. Okay. I'm back. It's Altena Kuronsu. Her writing is awesome. I love it. She's an awesome editor and I sometimes edit some of her stuff since I don't get bored of reading it like I do when I edit my own stuff. Thank you so much Sydney for being awesome and editing my story._

_The last note I have to say is this: Thank you to everyone who read and reviewed this story, who stuck with me and my giant lapse of writing this (when it was still verse), who helped me correct mistakes and fill in plot holes. Thank you all._

**_And remember, if you want this story from Mello's point of view, let me know._**

**_EDIT: The first chapter of Mello's version is up. It's So Cold.  
><em>**


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